A grumpy nurse venting...

I think when I look back on this past week I am going to have to call it like it is: this was the week from hell!

When I became a nurse I understood that my life was going to change. I understood that weekends and holidays and special occasions would occasionally have to take a backseat to my profession, and I was OK with that. It helps me out actually when Hannah goes to her Dads house for a holiday... I go to work so I'm not home feeling sorry for myself and I make a little extra money (loving holiday pay!). But here is where it gets interesting.
In my current position I am a pediatric home health nurse. I go to homes and  take care of children who are basically on life support at home. Some of these kids are on ventilators, feeding tubes, etc., but are stable enough to not be in the hospital. The nursing staff (me)  spends 8-12 hours a day with the patient giving medications, providing treatments and other nursing duties- not to mention giving the family a much needed break.
The families I work for are amazing. Although their lives are difficult, I have never seen such loving, compassionate people.
I was given the opportunity to become one of the on call nurses. Sounded fun. Thought it may look good on my resume someday and the extra pay would come in handy.
Boy was I wrong!!!
Being on call is hell. My "job description" is basically to put out fires until the office opens. If someone is sick, I find a replacement nurse, if a patient goes in the hospital, I call the nurse off. Sounds easy, right? Oh hell no! Add to this equation that we have kids that require 24 hour care, families who are burned out, flu season, nurses who don't answer their phones, and one tired, grumpy on call nurse. My boyfriend pointed this out to me Friday night. He asked me if I was ok, and of course I said yes. He then said something to the effect of ''you've been really quiet the last few times I've seen you, really serious, are you sure you are ok?" and I said yes again, then he said, "You're not thinking about breaking up with me are you?" That made me sad! I can't believe I let the stress of my job interfere with the best relationship I've ever been in. I have to fix this, and fast!
This is where I get annoyed. As I said before, I understood what becoming a nurse entailed, but it is obvious that not everyone became a nurse for the same reasons I did. The other night I had a very sick nurse (I obviously couldn't send her to work) and another family whose child had just been discharged from the hospital and needed a nurse that night. I made around 30 phone calls. Guess how many people answered their phones or returned my calls? 2. Yep, that's "two". Of all of those people I had two nurses who had the common decency to return a phone call. Anyway, I could complain about this all night, and you can imagine the earfull the office got from me this morning. Lucky for me I just spoke to the other on call nurse, and she  really needs the money---so she has offered to take my next week of on call, and I'm giving it to her!!! And I'm going to spend that time with my super cute boyfriend.  :)

Grandma

I don't remember ever dreaming about my Grandma when she was alive. Weird, I know. But I realized that the other day. Grandma left us in February, and ever since then it seems she visits me in my dreams on a regular basis. I dream of her in her home, usually surrounded by family, because that is what happened at Grandmas house. Her home was the place that family gathered, where meals were shared, and most of my childhood memories were made. We laughed, we cried, we fought. Her house was the first place we visited on holidays, she was the first phone call when good news happened. She always got the first pick on school pictures. Sometimes I pick up my phone and think about calling her and telling her when something good happens, but then I remember she isn't there. Every year I would go to her house around this time of year and put her Christmas tree up for her. I miss her. I miss our traditions. I miss our talks. I wish when she visited me in my dreams that she would talk to me. I want her to tell me she misses me, too. I want her to tell my how happy she is to be reunited with Grandpa and her son. I want her to tell me how proud she is of me for finishing nursing school. I want to tell her about Hannah and how much she has grown in the last year. I want to tell her about the amazing man I am dating and introduce them so that she will tell me that she approves. I hope that the next time she visits me that she has something to say. But then again, just to see her again, smiling and happy, is good enough for me.

Feelings I'm feeling...

I wish I were the kind of person who could put my feelings into words! Don't get me wrong, I can talk. Boy, can I talk! But I really want to be able to say what is on my mind right now... the things in my heart, and I want you to understand and get even just a slight glimpse into the tremendous amount of, well, feelings that I am feeling right now.
First off, I have to say that life has taken another amazing, crazy turn. I should post more often and then maybe these things wouldn't seem so shocking! After a life changing decision to never date again, guess what I did? Yep. Said yes to a date. Best decision. Ever. It's only been a month and, heck, you never know, but I can tell you that it is good. So good that he introduced Hannah and I to his family yesterday. It was a good day. Therefore, I'm feeling HAPPY!
With the new job I've had to work a few Sundays, and I will say it again... You don't miss church until you can't go. It's not so bad when you wake up and say, "hey, I don't feel like it today, I think I'll stay home." No biggie. I've done it before. Not proud of it, but come on, let's be honest, it happens. But when I can't go, I miss it. Well, this has left me feeling a bit empty spiritually. I try to do my best. I try to do what I can to make the Sabbath special when I am working with reading and music and such.Well, a few weeks ago I was able to get to church. Honestly, I didn't want to stay. The though to bail out was quite overwhelming. But I stayed. The best part? Something that I had on my mind for the past few weeks...something that I felt was potential life-altering...a burning question that I hadn't had answered for me was finally answered. I am sure that everyone else in that meeting have no idea what happened in my heart that day, but I do. That leaves me feeling BLESSED. My Father in Heaven has heard my prayers and is aware of my struggles and is still answering if I will take the time to humble myself and ask.
Back to the cute boy in my life... I can honestly say that I have never in my whole life been as happy as I am right now. Last week I was taken to a really nice dinner (one I would never have taken myself to), given chocolates, a sweet little gift, and the best gift of all: 3 words. No, not those! We were getting ready to leave the restaurant, the bill had arrived and I glanced. It was HUGE! Holy crap! Anyway, I think he saw the shock in my eyes! I don't have much of a poker face. Anyway, he looked me in the eyes and said "You're worth it." That makes me feel LOVED.
Well, I better wrap this up for now... I'll be back eventually. I am sure it will take some crazy life event to bring me back to writing, but oh well, it makes for good conversation.

Lessons Learned

I've been reflecting a lot the last month or so on life and the strange twists and turns that mine has taken. I won't air my dirty laundry here, but in the last 3 years I've experience, um, some crazy stuff...engagement, breakup, illness, unemployment, betrayal, heartbreak, depression, marriage, divorce, and the list goes on... Do you ever look back and think to yourself, "Wow...I can't believe I made it!" That's kind of where I am now.

Every once in a while I get the opportunity to get a little glimpse of what Heavenly Father has in store for me, and the other day was one of those days. After completing my RN and taking my test I had a lot of people tell me how hard it would be to get a job that would pay decent for a brand new nurse. I was worried how I would find a job I would enjoy and still be able to keep Hannah here at her school and get back on my feet. I was afraid that I had wasted the last two years, that I would end up in the same dead end job I had left to go to school. I know, I was listening to the wrong voices.

Then I half- heartedly applied for about 5 jobs and turned off my computer. I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be cool if I had an interview this week?" Within 5 minutes the phone rang. They wanted me to interview the next day. That was a Thursday. On Monday they offered me a job (starting Tuesday) but had one problem: They needed a nurse willing to take patients in the Heber area. Pediatric patients. Seriously? Was this a joke? Well, long story short it all just seemed to be falling in to place! Life is good right? Someone is looking out for me!

So here I am,  I love this new job. Do I see myself doing this for the next 20 years? Maybe. Maybe not, but I feel deep in my heart that this is where I need to be. Right now. Not looking back or looking forward, but just living in the here and now. I see THIS piece of the plan.

It's hard for me to say, but I still have more lessons to learn when it comes to "the big picture." I get so caught up in the emotion of here and now that I forget that I am not in charge. I recently went through yet another breakup. With a broken heart and many unanswered questions I sought out the council of a good friend. Another lesson learned: Sometimes the answer is something you don't want to hear but need to. I was making myself crazy trying to put pieces together to understand what had happened, what I had done to create this catastrophe in my life, and my friend simply told me this: It looks like it really wasn't you, he just chose a different path. Remember our agency? Everyone has it. It doesn't mean you did something wrong, maybe it just means he had other options.

Ouch. It hurt. Again. But I needed to hear the truth. I'll fill you all in on that one later on. But for now all I can say is, hey, another lesson learned. Maybe one of these days I'll get it right. But until then, I'm just going to stay right here, right in this moment, and just be thankful for right now.

We need to talk...

To make a long story short, I'm a little messed up in the head.

I have dated someone "on and off" for over a year now. About 6 months ago we decided we were better off friends, so that is where we have been. Yeah. Until about a month ago.

So, Mr. X (hey, let's protect the innocents name) and I got together to chat. During the conversation, and out of the FREAKING blue, he says, "Move back to Salt Lake, we will make this work."

First of all, lets go back to why this DOESN'T work.
I love him. I love him with all my heart. Problem is, he loves me too... I know, this should be easy, right? Nope.
Reason number two: He doesn't ever want to get married or have any more kids. He is "too old" and "isn't built for marriage." Ugh.

Needless to say, I am trying to move on and forget him. But once again, he sends me this out of the blue message that goes something like this... "We need to talk."

Let's label that number three.

I ask when, and what it's about.
He says, "Whenever, it just needs to be face to face."
I ask to clarify, cause I am freaking out now. (Like, why face to face? Are you going to ask me for money, or a kidney, dump me or what? Break up with me over a text like other guys do, dork!)
Then he drops this bomb: "All I can say is that you told me you love me and would do anything for me. It has to be done face to face."

Yep. He must need a kidney.

Back for more...

Well, this week has been a bit interesting. I made it back to school... finishing this last semester is going to be a challenge! I thought I was getting better at being organized with my time and such, but looking at my schedule yesterday and trying to manipulate my time and schedule... I admit, I got a bit overwhelmed.

A couple of friends are talking about taking the next step in our nursing careers. I have been listening (half heartedly) to their plans, and on one hand I want to go on... be the best I can and do it now. But on the other hand, I am missing my little girl.

She has been gone for a week now, so,  yeah, I think I am missing her more than she misses me. I just want her home. I want to be home with her. This work and school and commute is killing me. I'm  ready to just be a mom with a job. This full-time-single-mom/nursing-student/ taking-care-of-everyone/-have-to-do-everything-crap is killing me.

Ok, end of sob story.

Carry on.

Don't give up.

 

Three little words, right? Nothing special about them. Well, to me, these are the words have become my little mantra over the past few weeks and will hopefully carry me through the next three months.

 

I am sure those of you that know me well know that I can be a little funny about certain things. One of these is believing in myself. I know, it might sound silly but it is one thing I struggle with. Some days I wake up feeling like I can take on the world and others I just want to pull the sheets back over my head and give up. Call it depression, call it low self-esteem, or even a combination of both...

 

Well, today I had one of those not so great mornings. Nothing terrible happened, it was just that overwhelming feeling of too much on my plate and not a big enough fork. I feel I have lost touch with reality in some aspects. I have friends I haven't talked to in a long time because "I am too busy"... poor excuse. I avoid social things because I am tired to feeling like I have to explain why I never go out... even poorer excuse.

 

But here I am, staring at this screen and the little note Hannah put up on the board above my desk. All it says is "Don't give up."

 

And I promise I won't.

A little update

Today is my first day off in I don't know how long, so I figure I should take a moment and share the happenings with the 2 people who actually read this. :)

First off, school. I am so close to being done that I can actually taste it! One semester left and this Heber-chick will be a RN. Scary thought how fast the last two years have gone, but I'm feeling confident in myself and the decision I made to finally further my education and complete that thing that I feared I would never be good enough or smart enough to finish. It has been an eye opening experience, and I am so thankful for the friends and support I have been given along the way. Graduation is May 18th , although we don't officially finish our last class until the 2nd week of June. Just gonna keep pushing along...

Work.

Work sucks. I don't know how or why I keep doing what I do, but it is making me crazy! I love teaching, I really do. What I don't love is immature adults who can't deal with their own drama and pull you into theirs. I have one student who accused me the other day of being a racist because I wouldn't bend the rules for her. A racist? Seriously, you can't come up with anything better than that? I actually laughed; BELLY LAUGHED in front of my boss when he said that. It is obvious my employers haven't seen my dating patterns over the last 5 years :) Long story short, this girl has been asked to attend another campus so I can have some peace and quiet.

Hannah.

That girl makes me laugh. She is growing so fast... I can't keep up with her. One day she is a tom boy and the next she gets up 2 hours early to do her hair and put on a skirt. She is one of the happiest people I know and I get a kick out of the funny things she says. She is super excited to be heading up to my sisters for the next week to do spring break. Don't know what I will do with a week without her, but I am sure I can manage.

Everything else in a nutshell:

Life is getting better. I think my run of bad luck has finally ended, now if I can just figure out what is wrong with the stupid car I bought and keep the darn thing running I should be golden!
I still struggle with the passing of my grandma. It has been about 6 weeks, but it is still hard. The other day after I got my grades I went to dial her number to give her the news. I ended up on the side of the road crying. She was always the first one to call when something good happened. She was one of my biggest cheerleaders and always made me feel like any accomplishment I had made was the biggest thing ever. I can't drive past her house without tearing up. I hate this! I'm crying right  now just thinking of her...

Anyway, I should get away from the computer and try to accomplish something today that has nothing to do with work or school or anything! Have a great day, blogger friends!

~Sarah~

January is almost over!

Wow. It has been forever since I have posted. Life gets a little crazy and I don't get a chance to post much, but here I am doing some catch up.
(I really should be studying for a test and trying to get to the bottom of a pile of homework, but I need a little escape. )
The last month has been insane. Here is the breakdown.
On the day after Christmas I totaled my moms car. Long story, but lets just say that black ice isn't my friend. On the 6th of January, Grandma fell and broke her hip. Another long story. The next day, I was on my way to school and was t-boned in an intersection. Total to car #2. In the meantime, my boss chose to leave for another job, leaving me to pick up extra classes. I am in my second to last semester of school, so the workload has been a little insane. If I am not at school I am at work or in the corner at my desk doing homework or trying to help out with Grandma. I think Hannah thinks I have abandoned her. Yeah, so that's it. I am feeling sorry for myself again and about ready to run away.
Part of me wants to fast forward to June when I can escape the craziness of nursing school, but a part of me knows that I need to slow down and breathe for a bit. I have learned how precious life is, and I don't want it passing me by. Watching Grandma go through what she has is a real eye opener to me. It breaks my heart to see her in pain and so confused, and even harder to keep Hannah aware but protected from what may come. Hannah crawled in my bed the other night and cuddled with me and cried because she was afraid Grandma Boren was going to die. We cried together and I promised her that no matter what we would take care of her and make sure she wasn't in pain. Then that sweet girl of mine said that maybe Grandma just wants to be with Grandpa again. The sad part is that I know she is right.
I am sitting in the care center with Grandma right now. She is sleeping and I am just going to stay here so if she needs me. I feel so helpless when I am off doing school and such, so for tonight I am going to feel useful. Multi-tasking while blogging, studying for a test, and just being here with her.