Lessons Learned

I've been reflecting a lot the last month or so on life and the strange twists and turns that mine has taken. I won't air my dirty laundry here, but in the last 3 years I've experience, um, some crazy stuff...engagement, breakup, illness, unemployment, betrayal, heartbreak, depression, marriage, divorce, and the list goes on... Do you ever look back and think to yourself, "Wow...I can't believe I made it!" That's kind of where I am now.

Every once in a while I get the opportunity to get a little glimpse of what Heavenly Father has in store for me, and the other day was one of those days. After completing my RN and taking my test I had a lot of people tell me how hard it would be to get a job that would pay decent for a brand new nurse. I was worried how I would find a job I would enjoy and still be able to keep Hannah here at her school and get back on my feet. I was afraid that I had wasted the last two years, that I would end up in the same dead end job I had left to go to school. I know, I was listening to the wrong voices.

Then I half- heartedly applied for about 5 jobs and turned off my computer. I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be cool if I had an interview this week?" Within 5 minutes the phone rang. They wanted me to interview the next day. That was a Thursday. On Monday they offered me a job (starting Tuesday) but had one problem: They needed a nurse willing to take patients in the Heber area. Pediatric patients. Seriously? Was this a joke? Well, long story short it all just seemed to be falling in to place! Life is good right? Someone is looking out for me!

So here I am,  I love this new job. Do I see myself doing this for the next 20 years? Maybe. Maybe not, but I feel deep in my heart that this is where I need to be. Right now. Not looking back or looking forward, but just living in the here and now. I see THIS piece of the plan.

It's hard for me to say, but I still have more lessons to learn when it comes to "the big picture." I get so caught up in the emotion of here and now that I forget that I am not in charge. I recently went through yet another breakup. With a broken heart and many unanswered questions I sought out the council of a good friend. Another lesson learned: Sometimes the answer is something you don't want to hear but need to. I was making myself crazy trying to put pieces together to understand what had happened, what I had done to create this catastrophe in my life, and my friend simply told me this: It looks like it really wasn't you, he just chose a different path. Remember our agency? Everyone has it. It doesn't mean you did something wrong, maybe it just means he had other options.

Ouch. It hurt. Again. But I needed to hear the truth. I'll fill you all in on that one later on. But for now all I can say is, hey, another lesson learned. Maybe one of these days I'll get it right. But until then, I'm just going to stay right here, right in this moment, and just be thankful for right now.

We need to talk...

To make a long story short, I'm a little messed up in the head.

I have dated someone "on and off" for over a year now. About 6 months ago we decided we were better off friends, so that is where we have been. Yeah. Until about a month ago.

So, Mr. X (hey, let's protect the innocents name) and I got together to chat. During the conversation, and out of the FREAKING blue, he says, "Move back to Salt Lake, we will make this work."

First of all, lets go back to why this DOESN'T work.
I love him. I love him with all my heart. Problem is, he loves me too... I know, this should be easy, right? Nope.
Reason number two: He doesn't ever want to get married or have any more kids. He is "too old" and "isn't built for marriage." Ugh.

Needless to say, I am trying to move on and forget him. But once again, he sends me this out of the blue message that goes something like this... "We need to talk."

Let's label that number three.

I ask when, and what it's about.
He says, "Whenever, it just needs to be face to face."
I ask to clarify, cause I am freaking out now. (Like, why face to face? Are you going to ask me for money, or a kidney, dump me or what? Break up with me over a text like other guys do, dork!)
Then he drops this bomb: "All I can say is that you told me you love me and would do anything for me. It has to be done face to face."

Yep. He must need a kidney.

Back for more...

Well, this week has been a bit interesting. I made it back to school... finishing this last semester is going to be a challenge! I thought I was getting better at being organized with my time and such, but looking at my schedule yesterday and trying to manipulate my time and schedule... I admit, I got a bit overwhelmed.

A couple of friends are talking about taking the next step in our nursing careers. I have been listening (half heartedly) to their plans, and on one hand I want to go on... be the best I can and do it now. But on the other hand, I am missing my little girl.

She has been gone for a week now, so,  yeah, I think I am missing her more than she misses me. I just want her home. I want to be home with her. This work and school and commute is killing me. I'm  ready to just be a mom with a job. This full-time-single-mom/nursing-student/ taking-care-of-everyone/-have-to-do-everything-crap is killing me.

Ok, end of sob story.

Carry on.

Don't give up.

 

Three little words, right? Nothing special about them. Well, to me, these are the words have become my little mantra over the past few weeks and will hopefully carry me through the next three months.

 

I am sure those of you that know me well know that I can be a little funny about certain things. One of these is believing in myself. I know, it might sound silly but it is one thing I struggle with. Some days I wake up feeling like I can take on the world and others I just want to pull the sheets back over my head and give up. Call it depression, call it low self-esteem, or even a combination of both...

 

Well, today I had one of those not so great mornings. Nothing terrible happened, it was just that overwhelming feeling of too much on my plate and not a big enough fork. I feel I have lost touch with reality in some aspects. I have friends I haven't talked to in a long time because "I am too busy"... poor excuse. I avoid social things because I am tired to feeling like I have to explain why I never go out... even poorer excuse.

 

But here I am, staring at this screen and the little note Hannah put up on the board above my desk. All it says is "Don't give up."

 

And I promise I won't.

A little update

Today is my first day off in I don't know how long, so I figure I should take a moment and share the happenings with the 2 people who actually read this. :)

First off, school. I am so close to being done that I can actually taste it! One semester left and this Heber-chick will be a RN. Scary thought how fast the last two years have gone, but I'm feeling confident in myself and the decision I made to finally further my education and complete that thing that I feared I would never be good enough or smart enough to finish. It has been an eye opening experience, and I am so thankful for the friends and support I have been given along the way. Graduation is May 18th , although we don't officially finish our last class until the 2nd week of June. Just gonna keep pushing along...

Work.

Work sucks. I don't know how or why I keep doing what I do, but it is making me crazy! I love teaching, I really do. What I don't love is immature adults who can't deal with their own drama and pull you into theirs. I have one student who accused me the other day of being a racist because I wouldn't bend the rules for her. A racist? Seriously, you can't come up with anything better than that? I actually laughed; BELLY LAUGHED in front of my boss when he said that. It is obvious my employers haven't seen my dating patterns over the last 5 years :) Long story short, this girl has been asked to attend another campus so I can have some peace and quiet.

Hannah.

That girl makes me laugh. She is growing so fast... I can't keep up with her. One day she is a tom boy and the next she gets up 2 hours early to do her hair and put on a skirt. She is one of the happiest people I know and I get a kick out of the funny things she says. She is super excited to be heading up to my sisters for the next week to do spring break. Don't know what I will do with a week without her, but I am sure I can manage.

Everything else in a nutshell:

Life is getting better. I think my run of bad luck has finally ended, now if I can just figure out what is wrong with the stupid car I bought and keep the darn thing running I should be golden!
I still struggle with the passing of my grandma. It has been about 6 weeks, but it is still hard. The other day after I got my grades I went to dial her number to give her the news. I ended up on the side of the road crying. She was always the first one to call when something good happened. She was one of my biggest cheerleaders and always made me feel like any accomplishment I had made was the biggest thing ever. I can't drive past her house without tearing up. I hate this! I'm crying right  now just thinking of her...

Anyway, I should get away from the computer and try to accomplish something today that has nothing to do with work or school or anything! Have a great day, blogger friends!

~Sarah~

January is almost over!

Wow. It has been forever since I have posted. Life gets a little crazy and I don't get a chance to post much, but here I am doing some catch up.
(I really should be studying for a test and trying to get to the bottom of a pile of homework, but I need a little escape. )
The last month has been insane. Here is the breakdown.
On the day after Christmas I totaled my moms car. Long story, but lets just say that black ice isn't my friend. On the 6th of January, Grandma fell and broke her hip. Another long story. The next day, I was on my way to school and was t-boned in an intersection. Total to car #2. In the meantime, my boss chose to leave for another job, leaving me to pick up extra classes. I am in my second to last semester of school, so the workload has been a little insane. If I am not at school I am at work or in the corner at my desk doing homework or trying to help out with Grandma. I think Hannah thinks I have abandoned her. Yeah, so that's it. I am feeling sorry for myself again and about ready to run away.
Part of me wants to fast forward to June when I can escape the craziness of nursing school, but a part of me knows that I need to slow down and breathe for a bit. I have learned how precious life is, and I don't want it passing me by. Watching Grandma go through what she has is a real eye opener to me. It breaks my heart to see her in pain and so confused, and even harder to keep Hannah aware but protected from what may come. Hannah crawled in my bed the other night and cuddled with me and cried because she was afraid Grandma Boren was going to die. We cried together and I promised her that no matter what we would take care of her and make sure she wasn't in pain. Then that sweet girl of mine said that maybe Grandma just wants to be with Grandpa again. The sad part is that I know she is right.
I am sitting in the care center with Grandma right now. She is sleeping and I am just going to stay here so if she needs me. I feel so helpless when I am off doing school and such, so for tonight I am going to feel useful. Multi-tasking while blogging, studying for a test, and just being here with her.

Hello November, goodbye sanity!

Wow. I can't believe it is November already! It seems like just yesterday I was complaining about the heat and now I have the extra blankets on the bed and am digging through boxes to find winter things.
Things are busy here. I won't complain, because I know that staying busy is good for the soul, but seriously, some days I just want to run away.

I am still in school, about 8 months away from my RN. I didn't realize how hard it was to be a "good student" and a "good mom" at the same time! Between class, clinicals, study time, drive time to Salt Lake and back, work, and sleep, I find little time to be a mom. I am relying on my parents now more than ever and I don't know how I would do it without them. The other day Hannah asked me if I was coming home that night and I thought that was a silly question because I come home every night! I guess getting up at 4 am to leave and getting home after bedtime leaves her wondering if I will be home or not.

I have had some amazing experiences in my clinical rotations that make me so happy I have chosen this path. I can see the opportunities to make a difference in the quality of life of many people and feel so blessed to be able to do this. I just hope to retain my sanity!

Good news is that it is November and I have some fun stuff planned! I get to spend 5 days in San Diego with the Board of Directors for the Utah Student Nurses Association, and it sounds like we will be going to Montana again for Thanksgiving. All in all, life is good... Especially when I get to have a day like today and spend it with my favorite girl...even if all we do is paint our nails and do homework together :)