We need to talk...

To make a long story short, I'm a little messed up in the head.

I have dated someone "on and off" for over a year now. About 6 months ago we decided we were better off friends, so that is where we have been. Yeah. Until about a month ago.

So, Mr. X (hey, let's protect the innocents name) and I got together to chat. During the conversation, and out of the FREAKING blue, he says, "Move back to Salt Lake, we will make this work."

First of all, lets go back to why this DOESN'T work.
I love him. I love him with all my heart. Problem is, he loves me too... I know, this should be easy, right? Nope.
Reason number two: He doesn't ever want to get married or have any more kids. He is "too old" and "isn't built for marriage." Ugh.

Needless to say, I am trying to move on and forget him. But once again, he sends me this out of the blue message that goes something like this... "We need to talk."

Let's label that number three.

I ask when, and what it's about.
He says, "Whenever, it just needs to be face to face."
I ask to clarify, cause I am freaking out now. (Like, why face to face? Are you going to ask me for money, or a kidney, dump me or what? Break up with me over a text like other guys do, dork!)
Then he drops this bomb: "All I can say is that you told me you love me and would do anything for me. It has to be done face to face."

Yep. He must need a kidney.

Back for more...

Well, this week has been a bit interesting. I made it back to school... finishing this last semester is going to be a challenge! I thought I was getting better at being organized with my time and such, but looking at my schedule yesterday and trying to manipulate my time and schedule... I admit, I got a bit overwhelmed.

A couple of friends are talking about taking the next step in our nursing careers. I have been listening (half heartedly) to their plans, and on one hand I want to go on... be the best I can and do it now. But on the other hand, I am missing my little girl.

She has been gone for a week now, so,  yeah, I think I am missing her more than she misses me. I just want her home. I want to be home with her. This work and school and commute is killing me. I'm  ready to just be a mom with a job. This full-time-single-mom/nursing-student/ taking-care-of-everyone/-have-to-do-everything-crap is killing me.

Ok, end of sob story.

Carry on.

Don't give up.

 

Three little words, right? Nothing special about them. Well, to me, these are the words have become my little mantra over the past few weeks and will hopefully carry me through the next three months.

 

I am sure those of you that know me well know that I can be a little funny about certain things. One of these is believing in myself. I know, it might sound silly but it is one thing I struggle with. Some days I wake up feeling like I can take on the world and others I just want to pull the sheets back over my head and give up. Call it depression, call it low self-esteem, or even a combination of both...

 

Well, today I had one of those not so great mornings. Nothing terrible happened, it was just that overwhelming feeling of too much on my plate and not a big enough fork. I feel I have lost touch with reality in some aspects. I have friends I haven't talked to in a long time because "I am too busy"... poor excuse. I avoid social things because I am tired to feeling like I have to explain why I never go out... even poorer excuse.

 

But here I am, staring at this screen and the little note Hannah put up on the board above my desk. All it says is "Don't give up."

 

And I promise I won't.