Hello November, goodbye sanity!

Wow. I can't believe it is November already! It seems like just yesterday I was complaining about the heat and now I have the extra blankets on the bed and am digging through boxes to find winter things.
Things are busy here. I won't complain, because I know that staying busy is good for the soul, but seriously, some days I just want to run away.

I am still in school, about 8 months away from my RN. I didn't realize how hard it was to be a "good student" and a "good mom" at the same time! Between class, clinicals, study time, drive time to Salt Lake and back, work, and sleep, I find little time to be a mom. I am relying on my parents now more than ever and I don't know how I would do it without them. The other day Hannah asked me if I was coming home that night and I thought that was a silly question because I come home every night! I guess getting up at 4 am to leave and getting home after bedtime leaves her wondering if I will be home or not.

I have had some amazing experiences in my clinical rotations that make me so happy I have chosen this path. I can see the opportunities to make a difference in the quality of life of many people and feel so blessed to be able to do this. I just hope to retain my sanity!

Good news is that it is November and I have some fun stuff planned! I get to spend 5 days in San Diego with the Board of Directors for the Utah Student Nurses Association, and it sounds like we will be going to Montana again for Thanksgiving. All in all, life is good... Especially when I get to have a day like today and spend it with my favorite girl...even if all we do is paint our nails and do homework together :)

Why complicate life?

A friend of mine shared this with me today... I think I will get one to hang on my wall. Pretty simple rules to live by...

Why complicate life?

Missing somebody? Call.

Wanna meet up? Invite.

Wanna be understood? Explain.

Have a question? Ask.

Don't like something? Say it.

Like something? State it.

Want something? Ask for it.

Love someone? Tell it.

I wish...

Sometimes I wish we lived in a world with no pain. No hurt, no tears, no heartbreak or trials. But then I remember that without the pain we will never experience the pure joy that has been promised to us.

My daughter; the gymnast.

Hannah competed in her very first gymnastics meet today. It was such an interesting experience...one I am still internalizing. She tried her best... She was so scared to get out there and perform, I could see it in her face and in her movements... she was afraid. She messed up a few times and I could see her struggle. As a mom it's hard. I just clapped and cheered and smiled because I know she was watching to see my reaction. Well, when it was over and the medals were handed out, she and 4 other girls were the only girls there to not place or get a medal. I could feel her poor heart breaking from the crowd. I'm her mom, so I felt it, too. But she just looked at me and smiled. She came out and hugged grandma and grandpa and the rest of the family. You could tell she was disappointed but she was the only one out of the girls that didn't place that wasn't crying. I was pretty proud of my brave little girl. Then she walked over to one of the girls who was crying and told her, "You know what? I didn't get one either, but next time we will." Such a good sport! Today I just want to say how thankful I am to be the mother of such an amazing person. Her spirit is so strong and I sometimes wonder how I could be so lucky to be the one who gets to watch this beautiful soul grow into a woman. I have never been more proud of my little girl. Love you, Hannah.

Life is funny...

It's funny how things work. Just the other day I was talking to a friend and telling her about how I felt the need to remove the negativity from my life, all of it. People, places, things; the whole bit. I decided to start by evaluating where I am and what I am doing and who is in my life. I'm kind-of at a crossroad right now. No, wait, it's a major intersection. This is big. One wrong turn and it could get ugly. Fast.
So at the risk of boring you to death I will move on.
The day started off with an email. It was an auto-send email, (I get one every day from a particular website) and I look forward to them every day. But this one was different. It said exactly what I had been contemplating the night before. It was like an answered prayer. I'm sure it was.
I went to school feeling great. Like I had a purpose. Like the lights had been switched on again. I was going to remove the negativity from my life. I was ready to make some big decisions about my future. I sat down to do some homework, plugged in my ipod, and the most amazing thing happened. I heard a song I had never heard before. I struck me. Hard. It was like I was being told one more time, "You are where you need to be. Right here, right now. Keep doing what you are doing and you will succeed."
I was walking on cloud nine. It felt so amazing to be feeling so in-tuned! Then it happened again. We went to class and had a substitute. Instead of learning pharmacology we had a great lesson on becoming nurses. It related to who we are and who we want to be. We did a great team building exercise, wrote our cohort mission statement, and rubbed each others backs. It was great! There was one question asked during the exercise that once again made me stop and grin ear to ear. Yep. Once more I got that amazing feeling. Doing what I am supposed to do. Right here, Right now.
But it didn't end there.
I picked up Hannah from her dads house and got a text from one of the most amazing men in the world. The three of us took a trip up to Heber for a quick visit to see the parents (yep, first time for him to meet the parents... it was scary!) and to eat at the good old Dairy Keen. We ended up in Wallsburg with my dad and I loved every minute of watching the interaction between Les and my dad. They walked around the farm talking about everything. I just watched. They laughed and talked... it was like I was watching two old friends at a reunion. I couldn't have asked for more.
Now it gets good.
I have known for the last three months that Les would be moving soon to Nashville. He had a job offer and has been back and forth a few times. I knew he had signed a contract, but I secretly kept praying he would stay.
On the way home it was pretty quiet. Hannah was asleep when he just started talking. He said, "I have an out-clause."
I said "A what?" (I was clueless)
Then he explained. He could cancel his contract. He didn't have to go.
My heart skipped a beat or two...
He then proceeded to tell me that he had been praying about it and he didn't want to leave his kids. And me.
His lease expires soon on his place, so he asked me to do something for him. He asked me to find him a place to live; and he will stay.
Who could ask for more?
My life is good. If I ever complain, please smack me up the side of the head and remind me of days like this. I am where I need to be. I am surrounded by people who love me, and I love them. I just need to remember that life is funny. And good.

Monday night...

It's 10:53 and I should be sleeping. It seems like sleep has been eluding me lately... I have quite a bit on my mind right now, so maybe just putting it out there will help me get it out of my head. Here goes.

School is crazy. I find if funny that the class I thought would be the hardest (pharmacology) isn't, and the one I thought would be easy, you know, a 'refresher' (microbiology) is the one that is killing me!
It doesn't help that I have been rough on myself. I guess it all goes back to my teaching experience and understanding what is expected of me and what I should be expecting from myself. I didn't think nursing school would be easy, don't get me wrong, I know it is a lot of work. I guess I just didn't expect it to hit me so hard and all at once. I am trying to find my balance, to budget my time more wisely and make sure I balance out my educational endeavors with "me time" as well as my much needed "Hannah time." If anyone has any great suggestions to get me through, let me know.

I finally got a chance to see my doctor. I haven't been in for over a year. I haven't felt 'well' for about a month and just seemed to be getting worse. I diagnosed myself several times (lol) but figured I should let the professionals do their jobs. Turns out I have a kidney infection. Strange because I didn't have the typical symptoms you would expect with one. No urinary frequency or burning, just a chronic back ache, decreased energy, brain fog, and some nausea. I know, too much information.... My doc was pretty upset that I waited so long to be seen. I guess I should have jumped on it sooner... So long story short, I am on my second dose of antibiotics and hopefully this one will do the trick.

Now to talk about my Hannah... oh how I love that girl! I have to brag on her for a minute. She is doing such a great job in school. Her teacher has nothing but great things to say when I talk with her, her grades are amazing, and she is excelling in her gymnastics.  I was a little worried that with her leveling up and it taking up more time (she goes 12 hours a week now) that her grades would suffer. She has worked so hard and I am so proud of her! I love to go into the gym after school and watch her from the balcony when she doesn't know I am watching. She has such grace and poise, but I sense her insecurities sometimes and I wish I could help her understand just how amazing she is. She will compete for the first time this May. I can't wait to watch her shine.

Last but  not least... the relationship status. Oh, yes, the lovely category I try to avoid.

As of Friday, my annullment is official. What a relief it is to know that a part of my life, a chapter I would love to forget, has been wiped away. I have been seeing a wonderful man... His name is Les and I can't wait to tell you all about him...

Goodnight to all of you who still follow me... I appreciate your love and support and wish you all sweet dreams...

Who am I?

Who am I?
I am…
Amazing…but sometimes I forget.
Beautiful…some days I only see my flaws.
Careful…but careless with my heart.
A Dreamer…although sometimes I dream too big.
Eager to please…the wrong people.
Forgiving… with everyone but myself.
Grateful… yet I forget to show it.
Hopeful…and still worry about the future.
Interesting… but wonder if I try too hard.
Joyful…yet I cry often.
Kind… sometimes my kindness is taken advantage of by others.
Loved… but forget to love myself.
A mother…sometimes I want to be a child again.
Neighbor…and have days that I just want to be left alone.
Open…people see too much.
Passionate…but sometimes I let it get in the way of what is
real.
Quiet…especially when my heart is crying out to be heard…
Restless…sometimes I forget to pay attention to the little
things…
Single…I wonder when I will get it right.
Trying…sometimes I try too hard, and other times I throw in
the towel way too soon.
Understanding…so sometimes I let my emotions get in the way.
Vulnerable…I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Working hard…some days I want to quit.
An X…Lots of x’s… I need to quit making the same mistakes.
Yearning of understanding…mostly by myself. Who am I anyway?
Zapped… Time to clear my head and start over…

A fun filled weekend...

It has been a while since Hannah and I have been able to spend the weekend doing anything that we actually wanted to do... Between school, family, limited income and other commitments, it's been rough to get out (not to mention the nasty weather.)
Well, we made up for it this weekend!

Friday night: Grizzley's hockey game
Last week my school hosted our first ever health fair. A bit stressful but I was lucky enough to win one of the raffles. ( I promise, it wasn't fixed... lol) I won a pair of tickets to the Grizzleys game and a chance to go out on the ice during intermission and shoot to win a car. Well, I was cool enough to mess up my knee, so I wasn't feeling so good about going out on the ice. Jon Duke to the rescue! Have to love my Dad. He was more than willing to come along and take the shot for me. He got two tries, one short shot for a free oil change (which he won!) and a longer one for a car. Well, no good on that one, but he impressed the crowd. He had the closest shot all year. Quite the stud! Hannah was lucky enough to tag along with him on the ice, but for "safety" reasons, they put her in the new car they drove out on the ice and let her hang out the window and wave at us. It was priceless! On the way out to the car afterwards people were high-fiving my dad. What a trooper. :) I got a few pictures with my crappy phone, haven't dared to try to upload yet... we will see how motivated I get.

Saturday: Disney on Ice and hot tubbing

We spent Saturday morning with my friend Warren and his kids. We had a great time at Disney on Ice (my very first time!). Toy Story 3 was pretty cool. May be going again next year...
We were pretty tired when we got done, but were lucky enough to get invited over to hang with my friend Karli and have a little hot tub party. Hannah has wanted to go swimming for weeks, so we didn't hesitate when asked. We drove up to Oakley and had a great time enjoying the beautiful night sky and a cold Dr. Pepper.

Me and Karli

Karli and Hannah

Silly faces. Who can be serious when you're having this much fun?

Sunday: Sluffing church and the Jordan River Parkway

I admit. Springing ahead isn't my thing. I was exhausted. 9 a.m. church was not happening. We slept in... next week we will be there with bells on.

We met up with Warren and the kids again and went to the park for a while. There were tons of people there so we took the back up plan and headed to the Parkway for a walk. The kids brought the scooters and bread to feed the ducks. We ended it with a picnic and some football.

Needless to say, we had an amazing weekend! Can't wait to do it again!

Aysha was pretty proud of how far she could throw the bread for the ducks. What a darling smile!

Ayshe, Joe, Nate, and Hannah...

Warren, Aysha, Hannah, Joe, and Nate. Throwing rocks in the river: no better way to spend a sunny Sunday!

Hannah was searching for the perfect "skipping rock"

Learning to live again

I have got to get better at blogging! I admit that I am so jealous of you that have committed to blogging and stuck to it! I have so much to say but just don't stop and think about sharing it on here... Oh, well. Here I go again. Hopefully I can recommit and get the creative juices flowing once again. I really do have a story to tell, I just don't know how to do it!
I wanted to write tonight and just share a little more of my life... (side note: I just returned from the ER with a severe knee sprain. Pain pills have kicked in and I wanted to gab. This is where I ended up. Therefore, anything said on here should be taken with a grain of salt and held in strict confidence...lol)

My annulment should have been finalized last week, but due to my lack of legal knowledge and funds for an attorney, I messed up my filing and now need to resubmit papers. Not what I wanted to hear. As far as I am concerned I am single. Have been since I kicked his sorry butt out of my house the week before Christmas. Now to finalize. Ugh. What a mess. Another lesson learned.

On a lighter note, I am dating a super nice guy... He just kind of fell into my life when I least expected it. He is amazing. I will share the details later. I think you'll love him as much as I do...

I've been thinking a lot about what I want out of life and how I am going to make that happen. I wonder sometimes about the choices I am making and wish I could see how these things will turn out, but lucky for us all, we don't get to see the end of the story until, well, until it comes to an end. So we endure with faith and pray we are doing right. I don't want much. I just want to finish my degree, (more learning) get back to work, and find someone to share my life with who can appreciate all I have to offer. Someone to love me and Hannah and want to stick around for the right reasons. Not too much to ask, right?
Anyway... rattling on... A friend of mine shared this with me today. Kind of sums up what I have been dealing with over the past year. But let me tell you, today was a good day (minus the trip to the ER). I finally feel like I am coming back to life. It was like someone switched on a light... I haven't felt this alive in a year. I am so thankful right now that things are getting better. My prayers have been heard and I know that things are going to work out. I have amazing friends who love me and I don't know what I would do without them.

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

You learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.

You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

You begin to accept your defeats with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong and you really do have worth.

And you learn.

And learn...

With every goodbye, you learn."

Another day...

You know, it's days like this that make me think. I read a quote today that really got to me. It said,

"When you are going through something hard and wonder where God is, remember the teacher is always quiet during a test."

It's been an interesting past few months. Many changes have happened, good and bad. Although many tears have been shed, this 'course correction' I've had the pleasure of taking, has made me realize that we are never alone. I have been reminded countless times that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my struggles. He knows my weaknesses and yet still trusts in me to continue on this journey. I admit, I have been less than perfect . As a parent, I know the sadness in watching your child fail and hurt, so as a child, a daughter of God, I will try harder.