January is almost over!

Wow. It has been forever since I have posted. Life gets a little crazy and I don't get a chance to post much, but here I am doing some catch up.
(I really should be studying for a test and trying to get to the bottom of a pile of homework, but I need a little escape. )
The last month has been insane. Here is the breakdown.
On the day after Christmas I totaled my moms car. Long story, but lets just say that black ice isn't my friend. On the 6th of January, Grandma fell and broke her hip. Another long story. The next day, I was on my way to school and was t-boned in an intersection. Total to car #2. In the meantime, my boss chose to leave for another job, leaving me to pick up extra classes. I am in my second to last semester of school, so the workload has been a little insane. If I am not at school I am at work or in the corner at my desk doing homework or trying to help out with Grandma. I think Hannah thinks I have abandoned her. Yeah, so that's it. I am feeling sorry for myself again and about ready to run away.
Part of me wants to fast forward to June when I can escape the craziness of nursing school, but a part of me knows that I need to slow down and breathe for a bit. I have learned how precious life is, and I don't want it passing me by. Watching Grandma go through what she has is a real eye opener to me. It breaks my heart to see her in pain and so confused, and even harder to keep Hannah aware but protected from what may come. Hannah crawled in my bed the other night and cuddled with me and cried because she was afraid Grandma Boren was going to die. We cried together and I promised her that no matter what we would take care of her and make sure she wasn't in pain. Then that sweet girl of mine said that maybe Grandma just wants to be with Grandpa again. The sad part is that I know she is right.
I am sitting in the care center with Grandma right now. She is sleeping and I am just going to stay here so if she needs me. I feel so helpless when I am off doing school and such, so for tonight I am going to feel useful. Multi-tasking while blogging, studying for a test, and just being here with her.

Hello November, goodbye sanity!

Wow. I can't believe it is November already! It seems like just yesterday I was complaining about the heat and now I have the extra blankets on the bed and am digging through boxes to find winter things.
Things are busy here. I won't complain, because I know that staying busy is good for the soul, but seriously, some days I just want to run away.

I am still in school, about 8 months away from my RN. I didn't realize how hard it was to be a "good student" and a "good mom" at the same time! Between class, clinicals, study time, drive time to Salt Lake and back, work, and sleep, I find little time to be a mom. I am relying on my parents now more than ever and I don't know how I would do it without them. The other day Hannah asked me if I was coming home that night and I thought that was a silly question because I come home every night! I guess getting up at 4 am to leave and getting home after bedtime leaves her wondering if I will be home or not.

I have had some amazing experiences in my clinical rotations that make me so happy I have chosen this path. I can see the opportunities to make a difference in the quality of life of many people and feel so blessed to be able to do this. I just hope to retain my sanity!

Good news is that it is November and I have some fun stuff planned! I get to spend 5 days in San Diego with the Board of Directors for the Utah Student Nurses Association, and it sounds like we will be going to Montana again for Thanksgiving. All in all, life is good... Especially when I get to have a day like today and spend it with my favorite girl...even if all we do is paint our nails and do homework together :)

Why complicate life?

A friend of mine shared this with me today... I think I will get one to hang on my wall. Pretty simple rules to live by...

Why complicate life?

Missing somebody? Call.

Wanna meet up? Invite.

Wanna be understood? Explain.

Have a question? Ask.

Don't like something? Say it.

Like something? State it.

Want something? Ask for it.

Love someone? Tell it.

I wish...

Sometimes I wish we lived in a world with no pain. No hurt, no tears, no heartbreak or trials. But then I remember that without the pain we will never experience the pure joy that has been promised to us.

My daughter; the gymnast.

Hannah competed in her very first gymnastics meet today. It was such an interesting experience...one I am still internalizing. She tried her best... She was so scared to get out there and perform, I could see it in her face and in her movements... she was afraid. She messed up a few times and I could see her struggle. As a mom it's hard. I just clapped and cheered and smiled because I know she was watching to see my reaction. Well, when it was over and the medals were handed out, she and 4 other girls were the only girls there to not place or get a medal. I could feel her poor heart breaking from the crowd. I'm her mom, so I felt it, too. But she just looked at me and smiled. She came out and hugged grandma and grandpa and the rest of the family. You could tell she was disappointed but she was the only one out of the girls that didn't place that wasn't crying. I was pretty proud of my brave little girl. Then she walked over to one of the girls who was crying and told her, "You know what? I didn't get one either, but next time we will." Such a good sport! Today I just want to say how thankful I am to be the mother of such an amazing person. Her spirit is so strong and I sometimes wonder how I could be so lucky to be the one who gets to watch this beautiful soul grow into a woman. I have never been more proud of my little girl. Love you, Hannah.

Life is funny...

It's funny how things work. Just the other day I was talking to a friend and telling her about how I felt the need to remove the negativity from my life, all of it. People, places, things; the whole bit. I decided to start by evaluating where I am and what I am doing and who is in my life. I'm kind-of at a crossroad right now. No, wait, it's a major intersection. This is big. One wrong turn and it could get ugly. Fast.
So at the risk of boring you to death I will move on.
The day started off with an email. It was an auto-send email, (I get one every day from a particular website) and I look forward to them every day. But this one was different. It said exactly what I had been contemplating the night before. It was like an answered prayer. I'm sure it was.
I went to school feeling great. Like I had a purpose. Like the lights had been switched on again. I was going to remove the negativity from my life. I was ready to make some big decisions about my future. I sat down to do some homework, plugged in my ipod, and the most amazing thing happened. I heard a song I had never heard before. I struck me. Hard. It was like I was being told one more time, "You are where you need to be. Right here, right now. Keep doing what you are doing and you will succeed."
I was walking on cloud nine. It felt so amazing to be feeling so in-tuned! Then it happened again. We went to class and had a substitute. Instead of learning pharmacology we had a great lesson on becoming nurses. It related to who we are and who we want to be. We did a great team building exercise, wrote our cohort mission statement, and rubbed each others backs. It was great! There was one question asked during the exercise that once again made me stop and grin ear to ear. Yep. Once more I got that amazing feeling. Doing what I am supposed to do. Right here, Right now.
But it didn't end there.
I picked up Hannah from her dads house and got a text from one of the most amazing men in the world. The three of us took a trip up to Heber for a quick visit to see the parents (yep, first time for him to meet the parents... it was scary!) and to eat at the good old Dairy Keen. We ended up in Wallsburg with my dad and I loved every minute of watching the interaction between Les and my dad. They walked around the farm talking about everything. I just watched. They laughed and talked... it was like I was watching two old friends at a reunion. I couldn't have asked for more.
Now it gets good.
I have known for the last three months that Les would be moving soon to Nashville. He had a job offer and has been back and forth a few times. I knew he had signed a contract, but I secretly kept praying he would stay.
On the way home it was pretty quiet. Hannah was asleep when he just started talking. He said, "I have an out-clause."
I said "A what?" (I was clueless)
Then he explained. He could cancel his contract. He didn't have to go.
My heart skipped a beat or two...
He then proceeded to tell me that he had been praying about it and he didn't want to leave his kids. And me.
His lease expires soon on his place, so he asked me to do something for him. He asked me to find him a place to live; and he will stay.
Who could ask for more?
My life is good. If I ever complain, please smack me up the side of the head and remind me of days like this. I am where I need to be. I am surrounded by people who love me, and I love them. I just need to remember that life is funny. And good.

Monday night...

It's 10:53 and I should be sleeping. It seems like sleep has been eluding me lately... I have quite a bit on my mind right now, so maybe just putting it out there will help me get it out of my head. Here goes.

School is crazy. I find if funny that the class I thought would be the hardest (pharmacology) isn't, and the one I thought would be easy, you know, a 'refresher' (microbiology) is the one that is killing me!
It doesn't help that I have been rough on myself. I guess it all goes back to my teaching experience and understanding what is expected of me and what I should be expecting from myself. I didn't think nursing school would be easy, don't get me wrong, I know it is a lot of work. I guess I just didn't expect it to hit me so hard and all at once. I am trying to find my balance, to budget my time more wisely and make sure I balance out my educational endeavors with "me time" as well as my much needed "Hannah time." If anyone has any great suggestions to get me through, let me know.

I finally got a chance to see my doctor. I haven't been in for over a year. I haven't felt 'well' for about a month and just seemed to be getting worse. I diagnosed myself several times (lol) but figured I should let the professionals do their jobs. Turns out I have a kidney infection. Strange because I didn't have the typical symptoms you would expect with one. No urinary frequency or burning, just a chronic back ache, decreased energy, brain fog, and some nausea. I know, too much information.... My doc was pretty upset that I waited so long to be seen. I guess I should have jumped on it sooner... So long story short, I am on my second dose of antibiotics and hopefully this one will do the trick.

Now to talk about my Hannah... oh how I love that girl! I have to brag on her for a minute. She is doing such a great job in school. Her teacher has nothing but great things to say when I talk with her, her grades are amazing, and she is excelling in her gymnastics.  I was a little worried that with her leveling up and it taking up more time (she goes 12 hours a week now) that her grades would suffer. She has worked so hard and I am so proud of her! I love to go into the gym after school and watch her from the balcony when she doesn't know I am watching. She has such grace and poise, but I sense her insecurities sometimes and I wish I could help her understand just how amazing she is. She will compete for the first time this May. I can't wait to watch her shine.

Last but  not least... the relationship status. Oh, yes, the lovely category I try to avoid.

As of Friday, my annullment is official. What a relief it is to know that a part of my life, a chapter I would love to forget, has been wiped away. I have been seeing a wonderful man... His name is Les and I can't wait to tell you all about him...

Goodnight to all of you who still follow me... I appreciate your love and support and wish you all sweet dreams...