Who am I?

Who am I?
I am…
Amazing…but sometimes I forget.
Beautiful…some days I only see my flaws.
Careful…but careless with my heart.
A Dreamer…although sometimes I dream too big.
Eager to please…the wrong people.
Forgiving… with everyone but myself.
Grateful… yet I forget to show it.
Hopeful…and still worry about the future.
Interesting… but wonder if I try too hard.
Joyful…yet I cry often.
Kind… sometimes my kindness is taken advantage of by others.
Loved… but forget to love myself.
A mother…sometimes I want to be a child again.
Neighbor…and have days that I just want to be left alone.
Open…people see too much.
Passionate…but sometimes I let it get in the way of what is
real.
Quiet…especially when my heart is crying out to be heard…
Restless…sometimes I forget to pay attention to the little
things…
Single…I wonder when I will get it right.
Trying…sometimes I try too hard, and other times I throw in
the towel way too soon.
Understanding…so sometimes I let my emotions get in the way.
Vulnerable…I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Working hard…some days I want to quit.
An X…Lots of x’s… I need to quit making the same mistakes.
Yearning of understanding…mostly by myself. Who am I anyway?
Zapped… Time to clear my head and start over…

A fun filled weekend...

It has been a while since Hannah and I have been able to spend the weekend doing anything that we actually wanted to do... Between school, family, limited income and other commitments, it's been rough to get out (not to mention the nasty weather.)
Well, we made up for it this weekend!

Friday night: Grizzley's hockey game
Last week my school hosted our first ever health fair. A bit stressful but I was lucky enough to win one of the raffles. ( I promise, it wasn't fixed... lol) I won a pair of tickets to the Grizzleys game and a chance to go out on the ice during intermission and shoot to win a car. Well, I was cool enough to mess up my knee, so I wasn't feeling so good about going out on the ice. Jon Duke to the rescue! Have to love my Dad. He was more than willing to come along and take the shot for me. He got two tries, one short shot for a free oil change (which he won!) and a longer one for a car. Well, no good on that one, but he impressed the crowd. He had the closest shot all year. Quite the stud! Hannah was lucky enough to tag along with him on the ice, but for "safety" reasons, they put her in the new car they drove out on the ice and let her hang out the window and wave at us. It was priceless! On the way out to the car afterwards people were high-fiving my dad. What a trooper. :) I got a few pictures with my crappy phone, haven't dared to try to upload yet... we will see how motivated I get.

Saturday: Disney on Ice and hot tubbing

We spent Saturday morning with my friend Warren and his kids. We had a great time at Disney on Ice (my very first time!). Toy Story 3 was pretty cool. May be going again next year...
We were pretty tired when we got done, but were lucky enough to get invited over to hang with my friend Karli and have a little hot tub party. Hannah has wanted to go swimming for weeks, so we didn't hesitate when asked. We drove up to Oakley and had a great time enjoying the beautiful night sky and a cold Dr. Pepper.

Me and Karli

Karli and Hannah

Silly faces. Who can be serious when you're having this much fun?

Sunday: Sluffing church and the Jordan River Parkway

I admit. Springing ahead isn't my thing. I was exhausted. 9 a.m. church was not happening. We slept in... next week we will be there with bells on.

We met up with Warren and the kids again and went to the park for a while. There were tons of people there so we took the back up plan and headed to the Parkway for a walk. The kids brought the scooters and bread to feed the ducks. We ended it with a picnic and some football.

Needless to say, we had an amazing weekend! Can't wait to do it again!

Aysha was pretty proud of how far she could throw the bread for the ducks. What a darling smile!

Ayshe, Joe, Nate, and Hannah...

Warren, Aysha, Hannah, Joe, and Nate. Throwing rocks in the river: no better way to spend a sunny Sunday!

Hannah was searching for the perfect "skipping rock"

Learning to live again

I have got to get better at blogging! I admit that I am so jealous of you that have committed to blogging and stuck to it! I have so much to say but just don't stop and think about sharing it on here... Oh, well. Here I go again. Hopefully I can recommit and get the creative juices flowing once again. I really do have a story to tell, I just don't know how to do it!
I wanted to write tonight and just share a little more of my life... (side note: I just returned from the ER with a severe knee sprain. Pain pills have kicked in and I wanted to gab. This is where I ended up. Therefore, anything said on here should be taken with a grain of salt and held in strict confidence...lol)

My annulment should have been finalized last week, but due to my lack of legal knowledge and funds for an attorney, I messed up my filing and now need to resubmit papers. Not what I wanted to hear. As far as I am concerned I am single. Have been since I kicked his sorry butt out of my house the week before Christmas. Now to finalize. Ugh. What a mess. Another lesson learned.

On a lighter note, I am dating a super nice guy... He just kind of fell into my life when I least expected it. He is amazing. I will share the details later. I think you'll love him as much as I do...

I've been thinking a lot about what I want out of life and how I am going to make that happen. I wonder sometimes about the choices I am making and wish I could see how these things will turn out, but lucky for us all, we don't get to see the end of the story until, well, until it comes to an end. So we endure with faith and pray we are doing right. I don't want much. I just want to finish my degree, (more learning) get back to work, and find someone to share my life with who can appreciate all I have to offer. Someone to love me and Hannah and want to stick around for the right reasons. Not too much to ask, right?
Anyway... rattling on... A friend of mine shared this with me today. Kind of sums up what I have been dealing with over the past year. But let me tell you, today was a good day (minus the trip to the ER). I finally feel like I am coming back to life. It was like someone switched on a light... I haven't felt this alive in a year. I am so thankful right now that things are getting better. My prayers have been heard and I know that things are going to work out. I have amazing friends who love me and I don't know what I would do without them.

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

You learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.

You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

You begin to accept your defeats with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong and you really do have worth.

And you learn.

And learn...

With every goodbye, you learn."

Another day...

You know, it's days like this that make me think. I read a quote today that really got to me. It said,

"When you are going through something hard and wonder where God is, remember the teacher is always quiet during a test."

It's been an interesting past few months. Many changes have happened, good and bad. Although many tears have been shed, this 'course correction' I've had the pleasure of taking, has made me realize that we are never alone. I have been reminded countless times that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my struggles. He knows my weaknesses and yet still trusts in me to continue on this journey. I admit, I have been less than perfect . As a parent, I know the sadness in watching your child fail and hurt, so as a child, a daughter of God, I will try harder.

It's been a while...

I'm back. I really am back. This time, I think I have something to say.
A lot has happened over the last year, and things got pretty interesting.

My love life is a mess. Yep. I will admit it. I have terrible taste in horrible men. One day I will figure it out, but for now, I guess I just have some great stories to tell. I'm going to write a book. You'll have to read about it there... :)

I don't want to sound crazy, and in fact, I just don't want to talk about it. I'm not sad anymore, I'm a little mad, a little disappointed. But most of all, I am relieved. After 6 weeks of marriage, I will be filing an annulment.

“We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.”~C.S. Lewis~

But guess what? It's all right. I didn't lose myself. I actually found me again. And this time... I won't lose me. It's hard to admit when you have made a mistake, but it is even harder to pretend you are happy so that people won't realize that you made a mistake. Sometimes you need to put on your big girl panties and admit it. Yep. I did something stupid. I was looking for love and fell for something that wasn't even close. I wanted it so badly that I settled. I am not ashamed for what I felt, I am just sad that it didn't work this time. So, time to correct my course, my sights are set on the horizon, and I won't give up.

Stay tuned... I have plenty more to say!

Things I've learned...

I’ve learned… that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while, and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned… that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

I’ve learned… that it’s not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that makes life important.

I’ve learned… that it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned… that you can keep going long after you think you can’t.

I’ve learned… that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned… that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned… that no matter how badly your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned… that my best friend and I can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time

I’ve learned… that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned… that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned… that there are people who love you dearly, but just don’t know how to show it.

I’ve learned… that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned… that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I’ve learned… that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned… that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

I’ve learned… that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned… that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you’ll see them.

And now it gets interesting...

I apologize to any of you who actually follow my blog... I have been a slacker lately. The sad thing is that I love to blog, I have lots to say, but just no time to do it! The past few weeks have been difficult, but lucky for me, things are looking up. I am moving on with my career, I have taken a position at a new school and hopefully this change will be the first of many positives to come into my life. I am excited about the new adventure and looking forward to the wonderful experiences I will be having... I am sad to leave Stevens-Henager... I have made some amazing friends and I am really going to miss my students, but there is a time and place for everythng, especially change, and this is my time. "All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy, for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another."~Anatole France~...Here's to the new... More positive changes... I have started dating again. Sudden? Too soon? Maybe. But I think of what I could be missing out on by sitting around waiting to be "ready"... Who knows when that will be... but I won't let this opportunity pass me by to meet some amazing people and possibly find someone to share my life with. Hannah is doing great. She is almost as tall as I am... not too big of a surprise, and she is doing remarkably well in school. I still haven't bought my home yet, but I feel that is in the very near future for me. Good things are happening. With positive thoughts come positive changes. I am ready for them and will welcome them into my life...