Don't give up.

 

Three little words, right? Nothing special about them. Well, to me, these are the words have become my little mantra over the past few weeks and will hopefully carry me through the next three months.

 

I am sure those of you that know me well know that I can be a little funny about certain things. One of these is believing in myself. I know, it might sound silly but it is one thing I struggle with. Some days I wake up feeling like I can take on the world and others I just want to pull the sheets back over my head and give up. Call it depression, call it low self-esteem, or even a combination of both...

 

Well, today I had one of those not so great mornings. Nothing terrible happened, it was just that overwhelming feeling of too much on my plate and not a big enough fork. I feel I have lost touch with reality in some aspects. I have friends I haven't talked to in a long time because "I am too busy"... poor excuse. I avoid social things because I am tired to feeling like I have to explain why I never go out... even poorer excuse.

 

But here I am, staring at this screen and the little note Hannah put up on the board above my desk. All it says is "Don't give up."

 

And I promise I won't.

A little update

Today is my first day off in I don't know how long, so I figure I should take a moment and share the happenings with the 2 people who actually read this. :)

First off, school. I am so close to being done that I can actually taste it! One semester left and this Heber-chick will be a RN. Scary thought how fast the last two years have gone, but I'm feeling confident in myself and the decision I made to finally further my education and complete that thing that I feared I would never be good enough or smart enough to finish. It has been an eye opening experience, and I am so thankful for the friends and support I have been given along the way. Graduation is May 18th , although we don't officially finish our last class until the 2nd week of June. Just gonna keep pushing along...

Work.

Work sucks. I don't know how or why I keep doing what I do, but it is making me crazy! I love teaching, I really do. What I don't love is immature adults who can't deal with their own drama and pull you into theirs. I have one student who accused me the other day of being a racist because I wouldn't bend the rules for her. A racist? Seriously, you can't come up with anything better than that? I actually laughed; BELLY LAUGHED in front of my boss when he said that. It is obvious my employers haven't seen my dating patterns over the last 5 years :) Long story short, this girl has been asked to attend another campus so I can have some peace and quiet.

Hannah.

That girl makes me laugh. She is growing so fast... I can't keep up with her. One day she is a tom boy and the next she gets up 2 hours early to do her hair and put on a skirt. She is one of the happiest people I know and I get a kick out of the funny things she says. She is super excited to be heading up to my sisters for the next week to do spring break. Don't know what I will do with a week without her, but I am sure I can manage.

Everything else in a nutshell:

Life is getting better. I think my run of bad luck has finally ended, now if I can just figure out what is wrong with the stupid car I bought and keep the darn thing running I should be golden!
I still struggle with the passing of my grandma. It has been about 6 weeks, but it is still hard. The other day after I got my grades I went to dial her number to give her the news. I ended up on the side of the road crying. She was always the first one to call when something good happened. She was one of my biggest cheerleaders and always made me feel like any accomplishment I had made was the biggest thing ever. I can't drive past her house without tearing up. I hate this! I'm crying right  now just thinking of her...

Anyway, I should get away from the computer and try to accomplish something today that has nothing to do with work or school or anything! Have a great day, blogger friends!

~Sarah~

January is almost over!

Wow. It has been forever since I have posted. Life gets a little crazy and I don't get a chance to post much, but here I am doing some catch up.
(I really should be studying for a test and trying to get to the bottom of a pile of homework, but I need a little escape. )
The last month has been insane. Here is the breakdown.
On the day after Christmas I totaled my moms car. Long story, but lets just say that black ice isn't my friend. On the 6th of January, Grandma fell and broke her hip. Another long story. The next day, I was on my way to school and was t-boned in an intersection. Total to car #2. In the meantime, my boss chose to leave for another job, leaving me to pick up extra classes. I am in my second to last semester of school, so the workload has been a little insane. If I am not at school I am at work or in the corner at my desk doing homework or trying to help out with Grandma. I think Hannah thinks I have abandoned her. Yeah, so that's it. I am feeling sorry for myself again and about ready to run away.
Part of me wants to fast forward to June when I can escape the craziness of nursing school, but a part of me knows that I need to slow down and breathe for a bit. I have learned how precious life is, and I don't want it passing me by. Watching Grandma go through what she has is a real eye opener to me. It breaks my heart to see her in pain and so confused, and even harder to keep Hannah aware but protected from what may come. Hannah crawled in my bed the other night and cuddled with me and cried because she was afraid Grandma Boren was going to die. We cried together and I promised her that no matter what we would take care of her and make sure she wasn't in pain. Then that sweet girl of mine said that maybe Grandma just wants to be with Grandpa again. The sad part is that I know she is right.
I am sitting in the care center with Grandma right now. She is sleeping and I am just going to stay here so if she needs me. I feel so helpless when I am off doing school and such, so for tonight I am going to feel useful. Multi-tasking while blogging, studying for a test, and just being here with her.

Hello November, goodbye sanity!

Wow. I can't believe it is November already! It seems like just yesterday I was complaining about the heat and now I have the extra blankets on the bed and am digging through boxes to find winter things.
Things are busy here. I won't complain, because I know that staying busy is good for the soul, but seriously, some days I just want to run away.

I am still in school, about 8 months away from my RN. I didn't realize how hard it was to be a "good student" and a "good mom" at the same time! Between class, clinicals, study time, drive time to Salt Lake and back, work, and sleep, I find little time to be a mom. I am relying on my parents now more than ever and I don't know how I would do it without them. The other day Hannah asked me if I was coming home that night and I thought that was a silly question because I come home every night! I guess getting up at 4 am to leave and getting home after bedtime leaves her wondering if I will be home or not.

I have had some amazing experiences in my clinical rotations that make me so happy I have chosen this path. I can see the opportunities to make a difference in the quality of life of many people and feel so blessed to be able to do this. I just hope to retain my sanity!

Good news is that it is November and I have some fun stuff planned! I get to spend 5 days in San Diego with the Board of Directors for the Utah Student Nurses Association, and it sounds like we will be going to Montana again for Thanksgiving. All in all, life is good... Especially when I get to have a day like today and spend it with my favorite girl...even if all we do is paint our nails and do homework together :)

Why complicate life?

A friend of mine shared this with me today... I think I will get one to hang on my wall. Pretty simple rules to live by...

Why complicate life?

Missing somebody? Call.

Wanna meet up? Invite.

Wanna be understood? Explain.

Have a question? Ask.

Don't like something? Say it.

Like something? State it.

Want something? Ask for it.

Love someone? Tell it.

I wish...

Sometimes I wish we lived in a world with no pain. No hurt, no tears, no heartbreak or trials. But then I remember that without the pain we will never experience the pure joy that has been promised to us.

My daughter; the gymnast.

Hannah competed in her very first gymnastics meet today. It was such an interesting experience...one I am still internalizing. She tried her best... She was so scared to get out there and perform, I could see it in her face and in her movements... she was afraid. She messed up a few times and I could see her struggle. As a mom it's hard. I just clapped and cheered and smiled because I know she was watching to see my reaction. Well, when it was over and the medals were handed out, she and 4 other girls were the only girls there to not place or get a medal. I could feel her poor heart breaking from the crowd. I'm her mom, so I felt it, too. But she just looked at me and smiled. She came out and hugged grandma and grandpa and the rest of the family. You could tell she was disappointed but she was the only one out of the girls that didn't place that wasn't crying. I was pretty proud of my brave little girl. Then she walked over to one of the girls who was crying and told her, "You know what? I didn't get one either, but next time we will." Such a good sport! Today I just want to say how thankful I am to be the mother of such an amazing person. Her spirit is so strong and I sometimes wonder how I could be so lucky to be the one who gets to watch this beautiful soul grow into a woman. I have never been more proud of my little girl. Love you, Hannah.