Countdown time...

One month.
Three days.
18 hours.
51 minutes.
16 seconds.

I get to marry my best friend. <3 p="">

I have a secret...or two...

The past month has been a roller coaster of emotions... highs so high that I wondered if I would ever come down, and lows so low that they took my breath away. There is something to be said for these emotions, and that is that they are real and raw and I am so thankful that I am alive and able to feel these things.

Here is the update:

Two weeks ago I received a call from one of my nursing school professors. She informed me that they were hiring where she works and she wanted me to apply for a position. I thought about it for a week or so, then figured I would stay where I am. She called me again. I gave in and sent a resume. Within an hour I was in the middle of a phone interview. A week later, I was meeting with the VP of the company interviewing for a position that I am WAY under qualified for. Long story short? I just gave my two weeks notice to take a leap of faith and take this opportunity to advance my career. I am a bit nervous, but excited at the same time to see what I will learn and what I can do to better the lives of the patients. Wish me luck.

I am in love. Yep. There it is. I am in love with the most amazing man in the world. Even better than that? He loves me, too. My heart is full to the point of exploding! Our kids love each other (they think Hannah is the coolest thing in the world!) and sometimes I sit and watch them interact with each other and it feels like we have always been a family, like we were meant to be. That's because we are.

I am going to marry my best friend! I don't know if I should be announcing this yet or not... lol. We have decided to get married. When? We don't know. All we know is that it will be soon and most likely a very small and quiet event. Through some experiences over the last month with his health and some other unforeseen circumstances, we have decided that we are not going to wait too long. Life is uncertain. It is short. Life changes in a heartbeat. When you love someone you grab hold of them and you don't let go.

Life is good. It is ever changing, and yet, life always seems to bring the good with the bad. We have a long road ahead of us, but I am so happy that I will be walking that road hand in hand with my best friend.

Updates to come!

A midnight rant...

It's time to talk about my addiction. I am addicted to technology. I know, I know, it sounds dumb but I need to make some confessions about this little problem I have and how I am going to deal with it.

First off, I am addicted to my phone. With my significant other living 70 miles away, we rely on our phones to keep in contact. I admit, I sleep with my phone by the bed with the ringer turned on so that I can hear my early morning text. I also confess to sitting in my car in the driveway after work so that I can spend that 10 minutes on the phone with him without any interruption that would occur if I were to walk in the house.

I am addicted to facebook. Why oh why do I care what 778 other people are up to? The truth is, I don't. I think I use facebook as an excuse to escape boredom, and with nights like tonight, (stupid graveyard shift) it may be the only entertainment to keep me conscious. Anyway, now my rant about facebook.
Things I like about it: 
1. Seeing pictures of my family
2. Being able to remember a persons name from high school because I just saw your picture or status from some random thing.
3. Knowing something has happened in my community that I was unaware of.
4. Feeling like I am part of something

Things I hate about facebook:
1. People who use facebook for PDA. I can't stand the mushy status "oh I love so and so and blah blah blah I copied this status because my fill-in-the-blank is the most amazing blah blah blah" and copy and paste this if you love so and so...
Puke. If you love someone, tell them. Don't post it for your 800 random people to see. We know you are capable of saying I love you. Say it to that person.
I know you are proud of your husband, wife, sister, brother, child, niece, nephew, grand kid, etc., but once again... don't copy and paste some ridiculous status about how you love them. Call them. Go to their house and say it. Do an act of service for them. Let THEM know.
Ok, done with that one.
2. Ignorance. I can't stand it when people copy and paste or post something they know nothing about. For instance, today someone posted a video that was taken from someone else's wall. This video contained a young woman on a bus. It was a cell phone video of this girl and there was a young girl who was trying to interact with the young woman. Well, this young woman was obviously experiencing some sort of problem. The video was posted as "a junkie on the bus". As a nurse (and a human being) what I saw was not some junkie on a bus! I saw a young woman experiencing an "altered mental status" (which may or may not have been drug related) who needed to be taken to a hospital! Someone took the time to make a video and post it, but who offered to help that poor girl? Another person piped in and jumped on the "don't judge her" bandwagon, saying maybe it was a mental illness or disease that made her act like that. I could have jumped through my computer! If your medical condition makes you topple over on an bus with your eyes wide open then you should not go into public without a caregiver. Call me inconsiderate, mean, or whatever you want, but this particular video got me mad!
Ok, moving on.

So how do I deal with my issues?  I am going to take a "technology fast". I saw an article online (gasp!) and also heard about it on the news. I think it's just the ticket for me. So, tomorrow after I finally get my lazy bum out of bed, I am going to turn my ringer off and not answer any texts, calls or facebook messages for 24 hours. Of course I will answer if my Hannah calls, but everyone else, too bad.
Let's see how it goes!

Good Morning!

Part of me wants to use this space to complain about the crappy things that have happened over the past two weeks. Another part of me knows that the best way to deal with the crap has nothing to do with what I write in my blog. Knowing that the second half is the better to listen to, I will choose to talk about something that makes me smile. 

Morning text messages. 

As you know, I am dating a super amazing guy. The only thing I would change about our situation is how far away we live from each other. I've never been good at the whole long distance thing, and with his 3 kids and my daughter, our "free time" to get together hasn't been quite ideal. Anyway, we do our best to be good parents and still find time to see each other. It's been over a week since I've seen him. We talk on the phone every day, we send text messages to each other, and although we don't see each other a lot, we communicate well with each other and it works. 

Every morning he texts me when he wakes up. It is something that means the world to me. That simple "good morning" says so much more. It says,  "I think of you when I wake up". And that makes me smile. Well, today was something different! We didn't get together last weekend. Both of us had our kids and a few too many obligations. We talked about getting together this weekend and remembered that again, our schedules have been overbooked. Getting together was looking like it wasn't going to happen. I was bummed, but hey, being bummed out isn't going to fix anything, right?

Well, this morning he made my day with this early morning text:

"Good morning sweetie! I've got to help one of the guys move this Saturday, so you and I should try to plan something this week because I can't go another week without seeing you."

My thoughts exactly!!! I mean, what is better than a Saturday night date? Um, Wednesday night date!! :)

It's things like this that remind me just how lucky I am to be loved by such an amazing man. 

One year ago...

Super Bowl Sunday. Not long ago it was just another day. It was a day that I could give or take, a day that as a child meant family gathered around a television and eating junk until you wanted to puke. We aren't huge football fans, I think it was more of an excuse to spend time together as a family. And the junk food. :)

I was thinking today about last years game. I honestly don't even know who played. All I know is that I spent the day somewhat like this:

I woke around 4:30 a.m. I was 5 months away from graduation in my RN program. I had a clinical scheduled up in Layton that started at 7:00. I don't remember much about that clinical experience, only that I had a lot more on my mind than becoming a nurse. My Grandma had broken her hip a month prior and her health was declining. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't speak, and to tell you the truth: she had given up.

My shift ended around 7pm, I made the hour and a half journey home, exhausted, just wanting to go to bed. I had school the next day and all I could think about was how badly I wanted to sleep. But sleep wouldn't come that night. I went down to the care center where my Grandma was, and was surprised at the amount of family that had gathered there. My sister was at the nurses station asking for a nurse or an aide to go in and get my grandma ready for bed. I took her arm and we walked back to the room and said, "I'll do it."

Everyone left the room except for my Aunt. They closed the door and left me to care for my Grandma. I carefully changed her into her pajamas, and my hands shook as I carefully put her arms through the sleeves of her nightgown. I knew the IV line wad dripping morphine and as a soon to be nurse I knew what that meant. Soon she would leave us. 

I carefully finished up and tucked her into bed. She was lifeless and still and I wanted to cry. I held it together. As the family came back into the room I felt it was time to leave. I said goodbye to everyone and headed home to bed. It wasn't more than an hour later that they called: Grandma had passed away. 

Hannah was sleeping in my bed when the call came. She woke up because I was crying so hard that the bed was shaking. She hugged me and we laid there and cried. I called my sister in Montana and woke her to tell her the news. She was expecting my call. I don't remember much more of that day in detail, but I do remember how I knew my life had changed forever. I wrote this to her that night:

Dear Grandma,

As I look back over time, I find myself wondering -
Did I remember to thank you enough for all you have done for me? For all the times you were by my side, to help and support me. To encourage me to be my best and not give up even though I was afraid to fail. You celebrated my successes and understood my problems. You were one of the first people to call when I had great news, and the last person I wanted to know about my mistakes, but you loved me in spite of my weakness. You understood my problems. Thank you for letting Hannah come and “tend you” so I could work and go to school. You taught me the value of hard work, courage and integrity. You taught me to drive a tractor and care for a farm. You showed me what love is by the way your eyes would twinkle when you spoke of Grandpa. I will never forget our drives to the farm and the long talks. I wonder if I ever thanked you for the sacrifices you made, the birthday cards, the $20 bill that always somehow appeared in my purse after we went anywhere and the “leftovers” you sent home, even though I knew all along you were cooking just for us. You were the best Grandma that anyone could ask for and I miss you already. Thank you for helping me become who I am. I love you.

I still miss her so much. I drive by her house still and miss sitting on the porch with her. 

I missed her at my graduation, but I felt her there.

And tonight I will take a drive... I will stop and buy some Oreo's and an IBC Rootbeer. I will listen to the radio and drive through Wallsburg. I will stop by the farm and remember some of the best years of my life. Then I will stop by the cemetery and visit the one very special lady.

Is it Friday yet?

I have a terrible case of the blahs. I hate to sound like a baby, but it's been bugging me a bit and maybe, just maybe, if I blog about it I will feel better! Right?

Life is crazy. I learned that a long time ago, but I forget sometimes (forgetting is one thing I am good at) that when things start to feel really good that is usually when the walls come crumbling down. Nothing big has happened, so don't worry about that, but I FEEL like something is happening. 

I don't really know what you call it, that pit-of-the-gut-oh-no-something-bad-is-happening feeling. When I was in grade school I felt this way before a test and especially before report cards came out! I was always a little freaked out about the future, ya know? Well, that feeling has seemed to encompass me over the past several days. I get home from work and I am just physically and mentally exhausted. I go home and go straight to the couch (I'd go straight to bed but this way I don't feel like a complete failure when it comes to mothering my child) and end up in bed at an unreasonably early hour. I wake up feeling like I've been hit by a bus and wonder how I'll survive another day. 

Last night Hannah pointed something out to me that got me thinking: She and I have been playing Words with Friends and she said "Mom, what's up?" and I was like... "What do you mean what's up?" 

Then she said something about my choice of words I'd been using. I mentioned my letters hadn't been great (and mind you, I usually use the "cheat sites" when I play with the big boys, but not with Hannah). She then pointed out her list of words "Tee, go, dots, kites, reads."

Mine are "knots, roar, quit, help, and deal."

Yeah, I see her point. 

So this is the plan:

Tomorrow I will finish up an unfinished project. I won't stay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself for not knowing why I am feeling sorry for myself. I will smile and laugh and instead of hiding away I will make purposeful decisions to not only get out, but to get out and make someone happy. Anyway, thanks for the vent, say a prayer for this gal. Please.

Love you all,

Sarah

It's time to come clean...

This year has started off with a bang! I can't believe how fast this last week has gone, and I really can't believe how incredible my life is!

First off, the de-clutter project update: So I added to my junk box these items: a pair of scrubs that don't fit, a whole stack of Hannah's clothes that are too small, and a couple of other things from my closet. Even better? I drove it down to the DI on Saturday so I won't get tempted to open it up and try to save anything :)

Now the biggie: The other day I went on a super amazing date with my super amazing boyfriend... I normally don't talk much about my "personal" life, and I did the other day and kind-of regret it! I posted a simple status update on Facebook about my little date and I can't believe the comments (some I deleted!). It got me thinking... there is a reason I don't do personal stuff on Facebook. Too many people want to know your business, but not one of them have taken the time to call or sit down with me and have a real conversation. I really wanted to get snarky and say something to the effect of  "if you are important to me, you know the details" but that's just mean. So, to make a long story short... let me introduce to the two of you who read my blog the special man in my life:

This is him! I know, the fish picture is a little strange, but this is him doing something he loves. It is kind-of weird talking about him! I have so much I'd like to say, but at the same time, much of it is quite personal and I should probably keep it that way :)

We have been together for a while now, celebrated our first Christmas and New Years together, and all I can say is that it has been amazing! He is the father to 3 amazing boys, 11, 14, and 16 and Hannah absolutely adores them. His youngest and her have been plotting via text message and I get quite a kick out of it!

I can honestly say that he is the most amazing man I have ever had in my life. Every single day he makes me feel like I am the most important person in the world... he makes me smile, laugh, and love more than I ever thought was possible. He is kind, thoughtful, generous... but the best part about him is that he balances out my craziness! Tomorrow we celebrate his birthday, and I will make it a point to count my blessings and express my thanks to my Heavenly Father who loved me enough to bless me with such an amazing man.